


it's always been you

by castielgf



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff, M/M, No Smut, Oh wow here we go, PG13 i guess, Pure, Wizarding World, Wizarding World (Harry Potter), i wrote this instead of schoolwork, my precious boys, too pure for smut, um idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 08:18:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17998256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castielgf/pseuds/castielgf
Summary: Sirius has loved Remus since 5th year.  No spoilers ;) .  Also no smut because they are far too pure for smut.  Anyways.  Suicidal backstory.





	it's always been you

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoy!!! also wow idk how it's six pages?!?! i skipped doing schoolwork to do it so... it was worth it.  
> un beta'd because i couldn't wait to post!!! also i really have to work now.  
> oh also i italicized Sirius's thoughts in Word but idk how to do it here. so that mught be confusing. anyways  
> if you read it ily  
> x

Sirius sighs. They've been cleaning 12 Grimmauld Place for two weeks now, and they don't seem to have made a dent. He hates this house, being stuck inside it makes him feel like he's being pumped full of tar. To top it all off, he's stuck working with Remus today. Remus, the boy he's been in love with since year five. Remus, so calm and quiet and cool and collected. And Remus, the man who's about to marry Nymphadora Tonks, and ride off with her into the sunset, while Sirius is stuck in the dark.  
No, he has to remind himself. No, you're not going to be alone. You still have Harry and Buckbeak, and it's not like Remus is going to be any better off marrying her. A werewolf marrying a half-blood? If it's possible for a werewolf's life to get worse, his will. And you'll still get to see him - it'll be no different from what you have right now. And that's the thought that shakes him back to reality, because yes he's in love with Remus, but he is his best friend who he loves with all his heart, and he could never let him down like that. And he also has to remind himself that even though Remus's life will be harder after marrying Tonks, he will also be happy, and Sirius would give his life for Remus to be happy for even one more instant. So he can shut his mouth and take it, because even dropping the slightest hint to Remus would amount to hurting him eventually, and Sirius doesn't think he could survive hurting his best friend like that.  
So he carries on like this. Hour after hour, day after day, because he's dealt with this for decades, and he's not about to stop now. So he keeps working, and forgets about it. Almost.  
Until one day everything changes. Sirius actually thinks this phrase, chiding himself for being dramatic, but it's true, isn't it? Because he can never actually go back to just ignoring his feelings anymore. Because as he's walking up the stairs - already shaken enough, after seeing Moody's photograph, he's thinking about Remus. Because what else can he think of, honestly? And he's so absorbed in his thoughts he almost runs into Harry. He stops abruptly, opening his mouth to apologize, but that's when he hears the sound of crying. His first thought is that it's Harry that's crying (not a bad guess, really, he's a teenage boy having stress worthy of ten adults put on him, it'd honestly be good for him to have a cry) but as he's just about to touch his shoulder to console him he realizes that the sound's not coming from Harry, it's coming from inside the room. As he looks inside, he sees Molly hunched over a body, sobbing. A jolt of terror shoots through him, because it's the twins, but then Molly forces out a word he can't quite make out, and with a crack the body changes into another one of the Weasleys. He doesn't stop to find out which one, though, because Harry hasn't noticed him yet and he's pretty sure Molly doesn't want an audience seeing her breaking down over a boggart. He pretty much sprints away, muttering Muffliato under his breath and doing his best not to make the floorboards creak (a losing battle in that house, to be honest.)  
He's not even sure where he's going, but the next thing he knows he's collapsed into his old bed, too shell-shocked to even process what just happened. He's not interested in figuring out Molly's reaction (Not much to figure out, he'd have had the same one), and even if he were he doesn't think his brain could focus on it because one word is racing through his head, resonating with the beat of his heart: RemusRemusRemus. Now he's confused, because it wasn't Remus lying there dead. But the image of his body, limp and lifeless, splayed out on the ground flashes before his eyes. He curls into a ball, sickened by the thought of Remus dead, gone, his eyes unseeing. He's already gone through that kind of pain once, he doesn't think he could stand it again. He's trying to calm down, reminding himself it's just a boggart, it wasn't real, when what is possibly the worst thought he's ever had hits him. We're at war. That could happen to any of us - anytime. He'd always know this, of course - everyone who's not an idiot knows it. But he'd never - he cringes at the self-centred, delusional thought, but he's never thought about it applying to him. He lies there, almost unable to breathe, watching the shadows dance on the walls. After an uncountable amount of time - minutes? Hours? Days? he emerges. He walks to the bathroom, trying not to think too much. He stands in front of the sink, not really sure how he got there. But the thing that strikes him the most is the face looking back at him. After settling back down at Grimmauld Place, he knows his face has filled out some, his hair becoming better kept. But the image staring back at him looks like a spectre, hair tangled, eyes red, cheeks streaked with dried tears. He turns the water on, climbing into the shower. His mind is still racing. He's gotten so used to the pit in his stomach over the past 15 years that he barely even notices it until he calms down. It's fear. Haven't I known fear, though? he thinks. But this is different. It's like he's hanging onto a piece of fishing twine, suspended above the abyss, and the twine is starting to fray. It swallows him up, threatening to bring back the tears, but he forces himself to snap out of it. In front of the mirror again, he just stands there, letting the water drip into his towel. He runs a quick spell, brushing his hair, but he still looks just as haggard. Sighing, he climbs into his clothes and steps outside, his hair dripping down into his clothes. He's so absorbed in his thoughts - again - he walks right into someone. Except this time it turns out to be Remus, and this time around Sirius doesn't have the mental strength to act like everything's fine. Remus puts a hand onto his shoulder, steadying him, looking down at him with worried eyes. "Sirius, are you alright?" he asks. And Sirius thinks he might just die, because he can't stop thinking about the time in fifth year when he laid in bed for four days straight, just staring at the ceiling, thinking about all the ways he could use magic to just die. At first he'd been scared of the thought, but it got more and more normal. He'd been trying to decide how he was going to say goodbye to James when Remus had abruptly pulled back the curtains on his canopy bed, climbed in, and closed them. He'd been confused and a bit annoyed at the interruption, but Remus had just laid there, looking at the ceiling with him. They'd just sat there for hours until Sirius finally opened up to him. The next day he'd woken up alone in his bed, and found that his loneliness had been replaced by something else. He couldn't quite put a finger on it until just after exams, when a girl had asked him out. He'd muttered something about homework and bolted to the dorm rooms, appalled at himself for losing his cool demeanor. As he laid there thinking about what he was feeling, he thought of the mere few months before when he'd laid there with Remus. He'd known since that day, and here Remus was again, looking down at him with those beautiful kind eyes.  
"Can - can I talk to you for a second?" he blurts out, immediately feeling like a foolish schoolboy again. He opens his mouth to take it back, but Remus is already saying "Of course" with that soft voice that will forever go to his heart. He turns around and leads them into the closest room he can find, his head pounding. He turns back around to face Remus, with absolutely no idea what he's going to say. "Remus - I - "  
Remus looks at him, placing a hand back on his shoulder. "Sirius. Calm down. It's okay. What did you want to talk about?"  
Sirius sighs, and composes himself, and starts over. "I - I was walking up the stairs today and I saw Molly's boggart and I - " He stops himself again, not wanting to embarrass Molly, but Remus says "It's okay. I saw it too. What is this about?"  
Trying to stay calm, Sirius tries again. "Well - the thing is - I saw all the bodies and I thought - I thought of you." Realizing how foolish this sounds, he presses on. "I mean - I thought - any of us could die any day now, and I don't - what I'm trying to say, Remus is that it's you. It - it's always been you, ever since fifth year, I - "  
Remus cuts him off. "Sirius... what are you trying to say?"  
"Remus, I- I'm sorry, I was never going to do this to you because I know you love Nymphadora. And I'm so happy for you, because if I could have anything in this world, it would be for you to be happy. But - what I'm trying to say is - I love you, Remus. I've loved you for good on twenty years, and I-"  
"Sirius." Remus takes his face in one hand, softly. "Sirius, you - you're right, I do love Nymphadora. I love her more than the world. She is the best friend I have. But I am not in love with her." Sirius blinks at this, taken aback. "I love her enough to know that she wants children, and that she loves me. So I - I would do anything for her, Sirius. You have to understand. But I'm not in love with her. I - Sirius, I love you. I've loved you since the day we met. I've tried to stamp it out, telling myself you would never love me but I- I-"  
Sirius musters up all his courage and cuts him off with a soft kiss. It's not intense, not filled with decades of angst as Sirius always imagined, just - soft. Practiced, like they've been doing this for years. Remus finally pulls away, looking right into his eyes, cupping his face in his hands. And they just stand there, denying the fact that they will never be able to be together, forgetting about the world around them, just extending their lives into that moment, just that one moment.

**Author's Note:**

> IF YOU READ ALL THIS I LOVE YOU SO MUCH  
> XXXXX


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